Etienne woke up and reached for his phone.

"2:06"

He rubbed his eyes and turned to his left. He could hear her breathe. 

His mind raced with the vison of what was going to happen. It excited him. All this while he thought he no longer was going to carry out the things he had done so many years ago. But, little did he know they were just suppressed inside him.

He turned on the night light beside him and snapped a picture of Nandhini. He wanted to remember her just as she was now. PERFECT.

Why could he not have a normal life like everyone else? Why could he not have someone to love him and just stay with him. Why did they all have to leave? The rage slowly began to build up inside of him. 

He reached for the soft pillow tossed carelessly at the foot of the bed. His heart raced. Was he really going to do this? He was almost giddy.

He held the pillow on either end and with a quick movement, pressed it onto Nandhini's face. It took only a split second before her naked body shook upon waking. When just hours ago she was squirming under the sheets from pleasure; breathless from the best orgasm, now it was out of the sheer need to catch even a tiny breath of air so her lungs wouldn't cry in pain.

All the thrashing around in bed only got Etienne more excited as he put more pressure to stifle Nandhini's cry. Slowly, he could feel her strength subside and give in to her fate. Her limp body just lay there on the bed they had shared so many nights. He released the hold on the pillow, and watched her beautiful as ever. A single tear rolled down the side of her eye. The last sign of life she had.

 That night the couple met. They were just like any other couple, relieved to see each other but the reason was different for Etienne. 

He poured Nandhini a glass of wine, as she sipped from her glass, Etienne could not control his growing urge to reach out to her. Her hair, her eyes and smile still captivated him. Her smell was like the flower that bloomed each night, sweet and inviting.

He walked up behind her and wrapped his arms around her. 

Nandhini held her breath for a moment. He never failed to make her lose her senses and she didn't mind one bit. If only she knew what was in store that night.

Nandhini turned around to face Etienne. Feeling his breath on her face as she lifted her gaze to meet his and their lips met. 

Passion grew between the two lovers, although each had their own version of it. 

In a few moments, the floor was strewn with clothes and the sounds of ecstasy broke the silence of the night.

"This will be the last..." thought Etienne.

Excitement

 Both Nandhini and Etienne could not sleep that night.

Nandhini's pillow case was soaked from the pain that was flowing out through her eyes. Etienne's head had a million thoughts racing. 

While Nandhini's pain was normal for losing a loved one, Etienne was processing his pain differently. He was beginning to wonder if it was worth it to go through therapy.

"What's the point?" he thought

"Everyone leaves!". The only way to make sure he doesn't lose her was to...

That night, Etienne decided to call Nandhini.

"Hi Love, can you come over? Just one last time, so we can have a proper goodbye?" Etienne's voice was shaky.

Nandhini was both surprised and relieved. She so badly wanted to see him and be in his arms. "Is it a good idea Etienne?"

She did not want to seem too eager. 

"I'm fine with it if you're comfortable as well." 

His heart was racing. Just the thought of what was going to transpire that night was enough to excite him. This was a feeling that was all too familiar and something he had suppressed for a long, long time.

"I'll be there," Nandhini's response was the final bit needed for him to release the growing bulge in his pants. 

Break up

 "Hi Etienne..."

An awkward silence. 

Nandhini did not know how to continue.

Etienne looked at her, feeling a little uneasy. He could sense what was coming up. His stomach was in knots. 

"Ermm..hang on Nandhini. I have something to tell you," Nandhini looked at him. She was a little taken aback. 

" I feel we need to take a break..." there, he said it. 

"I'm sorry, but I got to sort some things out with myself before we can do this relationship thing."

What was he thinking? He had just acted out of fear of hearing those words come out of the woman he loved. It was better for him to end it first. 

But his heart was breaking. He wanted to take those words back, but it was too late. He was hoping she would convince him to make it work. However,

" Oh, Etienne, you feel that's best? I did not know how to break the news to you. I do like you a lot but I think some time apart will make us realise what we want."

Nandhini had tears rolling down her face. She then turned around and walked away, not seeing the tears well up in Etienne's eyes.

His heart was pounding and he felt lost. The same feeling of being abandoned rose from the pit of his stomach. He couldn't lose her. He couldn't imagine Nandhini not being with him and worse if she were to move on to someone else. 

Heartbreak turned into rage.

Therapy

 It was the day of Etienne's appointment with the therapist. His heart was pounding so hard, he felt everyone around him could hear him. 

"What would the therapist think of him?"

"I would come across as a monster!"

"Etienne," his name was called. Well, there was no turning back now. He entered the therapist's room. It did not look so bad, not like a doctor's clinic - sterile.

Jenny, his therapist, smiled and asked him to sit on a comfortable armchair. The room felt so calm and her presence put him at ease. 

After the formalities were done, Jenny asked him what he would like to talk about. He did not feel forced to reveal anything he was not ready for. 

He started talking about Nandhini and how he felt he needed to work on some issues that would affect his relationship with her. 

"This isn't so bad," he thought.

He was so comfortable talking and did not even realise that he had begun talking about his childhood. The little boy in him took over the session. 

The pain the lost little Etienne felt poured out for the first time in Jenny's office as tears rolled down the grown man's cheeks.

Jenny listened patiently, nothing about her showed any form if judgment. She was patient and it was as though she understood his pain.

Soon, the session had to end.

Etienne felt a huge sense of relief and he was going to meet Jenny again. 

"Why didn't I do this earlier?" he thought as he left the clinic that day.

Seeking help

Etienne took out a picture of Swetha he had in his wallet. If only his life growing up had been normal, maybe he would be living a life like anyone else now.

If only his mother had not left him, 

If only his father was less absent in his life

If only...

Well, he could not change the past but he could change how his life moves on from now. 

Did he have the guts to make that call?

Etienne had been pacing in his living room staring at the phone each time he walked past it. 

"I'll tell the psychiatrist everything from the start," he thought, except the part about eating Swetha. 

He had found the psychiatrist on a website online. He would make an anonymous call and find out how it works and if he was convinced, he might take that next big step to get rid if this monster inside him. 

His heart still hurt from what he had done to Swetha and he was determined not to hurt Nandhini, but more than anything he wanted to live a normal life.

Reminiscing

 Etienne's head was throbbing. 

Since he got home after his meeting with Nandhini, all he could think of was Swetha. Memories of her sweet smile and the way her laughter sounded like wind chimes came back to haunt him. 

He loved the feel of her brown skin. Her hair used to flow around him like a black satin whenever she hugged him. More than all that he had absolute love for her. 

That was the trouble. 

He  loved her so much that he could not bear the thought of not having her. He still could not understand why he did what he did. He knew it wasn't right but the only way he felt he could not lose her was to make her a part of him and that was to eat her.

His mind went back to that night where his desire took over his senses and he ended up killing the person he loved. There hasn't been a day that he did not feel bad for his actions but he also knew he had no control over his actions. 

He ever thought of getting help but he was also not ready to be in trouble with the law. He kept to himself all those years after the Swetha incident but now with Nandhini, he was afraid his old self would return. He had also been lucky to not get caught but he can't be too sure the next time would be the same.

Maybe, he should avoid getting too close to Nandhini. As much as he wanted to be with her, it was not safe for her to be in his presence - alone.

Till he found a way to deal with his cannibal tendencies, he had to maintain a distance with Nandhini.